Recent Arrivals
From jcummins@nature.berkeley.edu Tue Mar 26 19:33:34 1996
Twisted Greeting Cards
This Christmas time I give to you
a book that isn't mine.
So give it back before it's due
or I'll have to pay a fine.
I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.
We're sorry you now mourn the loss
of your beloved cat.
For if we had only braked in time,
it wouldn't be so flat.
It's Christmas time, and once again,
the family's gathered 'round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
whom we can only send this mail.
But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
till you get out of jail.
I've tender thoughts and memories
of the special time we shared.
I'd never been so close to you,
for it was more than souls we bared.
But I've since come to have regrets
and wonder if we erred,
For now the sores have failed to heal,
and I'm getting really scared.
Golden fields of daffodils,
sparkling mountain streams,
Crisp clean air and cotton clouds,
vistas from our dreams.
But all throughout our lovely trip,
to thoughts of you we've clung,
Because you'll never see these things
in your iron lung.
I think upon a special time,
one that I shall miss.
A moonlit walk upon the shore,
a hug and then a kiss.
And though I'd like to write some more,
I really have to piss.
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From topramen@garnet.berkeley.edu Wed Mar 27 16:24:05 1996
From: "Robbio"
So there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of hearing
"Dumb Blonde" jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized
all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy starts telling a Dumb Blonde
joke. She interrupts with the shrill announcement: "I've had it up to
HERE with these dumb Dumb Blonde jokes. I want you to know that THIS
blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you
could do: I memorized all the state capitals!"
So one of the guys says, "Oh yeah? What's the capital of Wyoming?"
"W," she answers.
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From burton@tribe.com Fri Apr 12 14:26:10 1996
Thesis topic humor:
Still looking for a topic? Perhaps these responses to a contest sponsored by
OMNI Magazine will inspire you. . . .
GRAND PRIZE WINNER:
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and
when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered
side facing down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the
back of a cat; the two will hover, spinning inches above
the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed
monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.
RUNNERS-UP:
#1
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number
of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds
at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually
produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
#2
Why yawning is contagious: You yawn to equalize the
pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside
your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so
they must yawn to even it out.
#3
Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use
acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate.
#4
The earth may spin faster on its axis due to deforestation.
Just as a figure skater's rate of spin increases when the
arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting of tall
trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast.
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From burton@tribe.com Fri Apr 12 14:26:14 1996
Subject: dialectic humor
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd
from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my
brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup
truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
Y'ALL -- noun. A degree of rotation.
Usage: "There are three degrees of Southern rotation: Pitch, Roll, and
Y'all."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to
work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a
flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see
that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
HOT - noun. A blood-pumping organ.
HOD - adverb. Not easy.
Usage: "A broken hot is hod to fix."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."
(Today's Southern Word comes from a school teacher in America's
southern most state: Hawaii. As part of her class' study of the "War
of Northern Aggression" (known to Yankees at the "Civil War"), she
showed her class the movie Gettysburg. The students wondered why the
Confederacy was fighting for their "rats." The answer, of course, is
obvious: Southerners have very friendly rats ... in fact, you could
almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)
LOT - adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: "I dream of Jeanie in the lot-brown hair."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JU-HERE - a question.
Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently
toured the University of Alabama?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
WARSH - verb. To clean.
SQUARSH - noun. A vegetable (also verb - to flatten).
Usage: "Warsh that squarsh, Bubba ... you don't know where its been!"
GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
JUICY - Contraction. A question.
GUFF - Noun. A deep chasm.
Usage: "Juicy the Guff of Mexico?"
MARKINS - Noun. Citizens of the United States.
Usage: "My fellow Markins..."
PROSS - Noun. The value or cost of an item.
Usage: "That there prom dress sho is purty, but it is not worth the
pross."
PARAMOUR - Noun. An automated device for cutting grass.
Usage: "What kinda deal you gonna make me on that paramour?"
RICE - Noun. A contest of speed.
Usage: "Y'all going out to Talledega to see the rice?"
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From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Thu Oct 17 17:41:44 1996
COLLECTION OF LATEST LEGISLATIVE OOPS OF THE TONGUE
By: Jack Wardlaw, The Little Man/Humor Net
Drum roll, please!
It's time for the annual Tongue-Slipper Awards, for the best quips,
busted metaphors, unintentional misstatements, dangling modifiers and
Freudian slips of the just-completed Louisiana Legislative session.
Such as when Rep. Avery Alexander, D-New Orleans, told the House:
"I don't know anyone here that's been killed with a handgun."
For starters, here are the winners in the "Truth in Legislative"
category:
* "I can't believe that we are going to let a majority of the people
decide what is best for this state."
--Rep. John Travis, D-Jackson.
* "This amendment does more damage than it does harm."
--Rep. Cynthia Willard-Lewis, D-New Orleans.
* "I think we have passed something that we didn't want to do."
--Rep. Chuck McMains, R-Baton Rouge.
* "Y'all are hurting my tender ears. I would appreciate it if
y'all would scream one at a time."
-- House Speaker John Alario, D-Westwego.
* Rep. Wilfred Pierre, D-Lafayette: "The Knights of Peter Claver
is a large Catholic organization."
Rep. Juba Diez, D-Gonzales: "I'm a large Catholic, and I don't belong
to it."
* "I was 15 years old before I ate my first chicken without
tire tracks."
--Rep. Jay McCallum, D-Farmerville.
The Legislative Staff Award goes to the female staffer who was told
that the gill net bill was coming up the next day and responded that she
had to go home and coordinate the next day's outfit with her fishnet
stockings.
And there's the Senate staffer who asked Sen. Donald Hines, D-Bunkie
(a medical doctor), whether he preferred being addressed as "doctor" or
"senator." He responded:
"I guess it depends on what kind of a problem you want me to
solve."
And finally, the Metaphor of the Year award goes to Sen. B.B. "Sixty"
Rayburn, D-Bogalusa, who - while describing how it is to run a gauntlet
of lobbyists to get to the Senate chamber - said:
"They're lined up like cooters on a log on a sunshiny day."
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For those of you not familiar with Redneck culture, "Frog Gigging" is the
practice of catching frogs as comestibles.
From Arkansas Democrat & Gazette, Thursday, July 25, 1996 >
TWO LOCAL MEN INJURED IN FREAK ACCIDENT
Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the
road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday
morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly
after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are
listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center. The accident
occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging
trip.
On an overcast Sunday night, Poole's pick-up truck headlights
malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older
model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available,
Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly
into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.
Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly
and the two men proceeded on east-bound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river,
the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right
testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, exiting the pavement
and striking the tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis
sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off or we
might have been dead", stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a
first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how the accident
happened," said Snyder.
Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Poole's wife asked how many
frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
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From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Mon Nov 4 10:24:57 1996
EUPHEMISMS AND DYSPHEMISMS:
Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of
Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted
again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Link Rot
The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites
they're connected to change location or die.
Object Value
In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an
object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be
nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."
Chip Jewelry
A euphemism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into
decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's
nothing but chip jewelry."
Crapplet
A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30
minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"
Plug-and-Play
A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great.
He's totally plug-and-play."
World Wide Wait
The real meaning of WWW.
CGI Joe
A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma
of a plastic action figure.
Dorito Syndrome
Feelings of emptiness and dissatisfaction triggered by addictive substances
that lack nutritional content. "I just spent six hours surfing the Web, and
now I've got a bad case of Dorito Syndrome."
Under Mouse Arrest
Getting busted for violating an online service's rule of conduct. "Sorry I
couldn't get back to you. AOL put me under mouse arrest."
Glazing
Corporate-speak for sleeping with your eyes open. A popular pastime at
conferences and early-morning meetings. "Didn't he notice that half the
room was glazing by the second session?"
404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web message "404, URL Not
Found" meaning that the document you've tried to access can't be located.
"Don't bother asking him...he's 404, man."
Dead Tree Edition
The paper version of a publication available in both paper and electronic
forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the San Francisco Chronicle..."
Egosurfing
Scanning the net, databases, print media, or research papers looking for
the mention of your name.
Graybar Land
The place you go while you're staring at a computer that's processing
something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar creep across the
screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like hours, thanks to that
CAD rendering."
Juice A Brick
To recharge the big, heavy NiCad batteries used in portable video cameras.
"You better start juicing those bricks, we've got a long shoot tomorrow."
Open-Collar Workers
People who work at home or telecommute.
Shopper-Lifting
When a store's electronic scanner (usually inadvertently) prices an item
higher than the price on the store's shelf or in an advertisement.
Squirt The Bird
To transmit a signal up to a satellite. "Crew and talent are ready...what
time do we squirt the bird?"
Brain Fart
A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information effortlessly. A burst
of useful information. "I know you're busy on the Microsoft story, but can
you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik bust?" Variation of old hacker slang
that had more negative connotations.
Cobweb Site
A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a long time. A dead web
page.
It's a Feature
From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to
describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over.
Keyboard Plaque
The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards. "Are
there any other terminals I can use? This one has a bad case of keyboard
plaque."
Batmobiling
Putting up an emotional shield just as a relationship enters that intimate,
vulnerable stage. Refers to the retractable armor covering the Batmobile.
Career-Limiting Move (CLM)
Used among microserfs to describe an ill-advised activity. Trashing your
boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Elvis Year
The peak year of something's popularity. "Barney the dinosaur's Elvis year
was 1993."
Alpha Geek
The most knowledgeable, technically roficient person in an office or work
group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Adminisphere
The rarified organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.
Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly
inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Tourists
People who are taking training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. "We had about three serious students in the class; the rest were
tourists."
Blowing Your Buffer
Losing one's train of thought. Occurs when the person you are speaking with
won't let you get a word in edgewise or has just said something so
astonishing that your train gets derailed. "Damn, I just blew my buffer!"
Begathon
A TV or radio fund-raiser for a charity, religious organization, or PBS
station that employs every known form of guilt, sweet talking, and outright
begging to get people to fork over the dough.
Gray Matter
Older, experienced business people hired by young entrepreneurial firms
looking to appear more reputable and established.
Bookmark
To take note of a person for future reference (a metaphor borrowed from web
browsers). "I bookmarked him after seeing his cool demo at Siggraph."
Nyetscape
Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
Beepilepsy
The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their beepers go off,
especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical spasms, goofy facial
expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
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From efowler@uclink2.berkeley.edu Fri Oct 11 17:24:54 1996
New Element Discovered
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However,
it does have
1 neutron
125 assistant neutrons
75 vice neutrons
111 assistant vice neutrons
This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held
together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However it can
be detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it
comes in contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of
Administratium caused one reaction to take four days to complete
when it would have normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years,
at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown
that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain
points such as government agencies, large Internet Service Providers,
large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the
newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage,
but results to-date are not promising.
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From LiseNoel@aol.com Thu Jan 9 15:44:09 1997
From: mwingren@u.washington.edu (Matthew Wingren)
From: Scott March
Newsgroups: seattle.forsale.computers
Subject: Re: For Sale: $100
On Fri, 20 Dec 1996 17:09:13 GMT, _dmc@wolfenet.com (Daryl dmc) wrote:
I have $100 for sale in the form of 5 $20 bills. I do not want to sell
separately, but will consider splitting them up if the price is right.
Please email me if you are interested. This is the only $100 I have
for sale this season, so act quick.
I am asking $105 or more for the 5 $20 bills together. If you are only
looking for 1 or 2 $20 bills, I'll sell them for $25 each.
Oh come on... I just saw $100 *brand new* going for $97.35 at Bruno's
the other day. I understand that you may want to recoup your original
investment, but due to a glut of $20 bills on the market, the prices
have plummeted. I'll offer you $85 for your "used " money.
Serious inquiries only. I'm hoping to sell this to some lucky person so
I can buy an Elmo doll for my nephew.
dmc
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From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Mon Dec 9 13:21:44 1996
Subject: Friday Funny: Deep thoughts
>From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"DeepThoughts" by Jack Handey, from Saturday Night Live. Winning
entrants are at the end:
Honorable Mentions:
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we
get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends.
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote.
Home is where the house is.
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him gargle.
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set
aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll
have a couple of days saved up.
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there.
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who
think it odd that I drive without pants. [RIP Tiny Tim. Ed.]
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.
Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard
rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine
if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the
biggest number you could come up with!
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of
Halloween.
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?"
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
needed them, right?
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry, because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks.
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"
If you really want to impress people with your computer
literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you
say, dot com.
THIRD RUNNER UP
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died.
SECOND RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
was just a lawn mower.
FIRST RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to
myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly,
I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the
national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the
constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in
the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him
a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic
table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp
with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
WINNER
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be, until the looting started.
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From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Fri Dec 13 14:58:57 1996
1. Yer run-of-the-mill Bill Gates joke
---------------------------------------------------------------
God was fed up. In a crash of thunder He yanked up to Heaven three
influential humans: Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin and Bill Gates.
"The human race is a complete disappointment," God boomed. "You each have
one week to prepare your followers for the end of the world." With
another crash of thunder they found themselves back on Earth.
Clinton immediately called his cabinet. "I have good news and bad
news," he announced grimly. "The good news is that there is a God.
The bad news is, God's really mad and plans to end the world in a
week."
In Russia, Yeltsin announced to parliament, "Comrades, I have bad
news and worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong: there is a
God after all. The worse news is God's mad and is going to end the
world in a week."
Meanwhile, Bill Gates called a meeting of his top engineers. "I have
good news and better news. The good news is that God considers me one
of the three most influential men on Earth," he beamed. "The better
news is we don't have to fix Windows 95."
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2. Lemon Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass,
and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but
nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses
and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try
the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his
fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the littleman
"what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter,
or what?"
The man replied, "I'm an ACCOUNTANT for the IRS."
--------------------------------------------------------------
3. A Vapid Death
...gives new meaning to the term ``he got beaned''... March 25, 1993
Terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death
of a men who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but
autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted of beans (they said what kind; I forgot) cabbage (and a couple
other things). It was just the right combination of foods.
It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous
cloud that was hanging over his bed. The ME said, had he been outside or
had his windows opened it wouldn't have been fatal but the man was shut up
in his near airtight bedroom. He was ``...a big man with a huge capacity
for creating [this deadly gas].'' Three of the rescue workers got sick and
one was hospitalized.
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From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Fri Dec 20 15:43:06 1996
Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted
#1
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in
the craft it sank -- proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it, too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#2
There was once a wise man who loved a beautiful maiden, but she lived in
a marsh where his car always got stuck and, besides, her father had a
gun, so he never did get close enough to tell her of his passion.
However, she had a more energetic suitor who purchased amphibious tires
for his car and, when her father was asleep, speedily carried her off.
Moral: Treads rush in where wise men fear to fool.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#3
A lion was prancing through the jungle one day, roaring at the top of
his voice for all to hear: "I am king of the jungle, for my mighty
strength and lion-like prowess strikes fear into all other creatures!"
An eagle lands on a nearby tree branch and says, "Not so fast, Leo
buddy!" the eagle calls. "For it is *I* who is the rightful king of the
jungle, as my wings enable me to attack from above, and my beak and
talons rip my victims to shreds!"
Whereupon a skunk walks calmly out of the trees. Approaching the
ferocious feline and fearful flighted one, he meekly says, "You're BOTH
wrong! Needing neither fight nor flight, I disable my would-be opponents
most skillfully! Wanna sniff?"
And the three animals engage in a heated argument over who is the
rightful king of the jungle. While they argue, oblivious to their
surroundings, a huge grizzly bear walks up and eats them all - hawk,
lion, and stinker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#4
There was this yellow toad hopping out in the woods. He was feeling
really sorry for himself--as he was all yellow, and all the other toads
were green. They teased and taunted him because of his unusual
color...thus he was a very sad toad.
One day, while wandering about in the woods, he came upon a magic
lamp. After he rubbed it, a magic genie popped out and said "I will
grant you one free wish...what would you command me to do?" And the
little yellow toad thought and thought. Then he said..."I know! I want
you to make me GREEN...like all the other toads!"
"Very Well! Your wish is granted!" said the genie...and he waved
his hands, and POOF! The toad turned green. He was admiring his new
color and when he looked down toward the ground he gasped in
despair...his penis was still YELLOW!!
"But magic genie...what can I do about THIS!!??" exclaimed the poor
toad as he pointed toward his yellow penis. With that, the magic genie
said..."Toad...if you look far to the east...you will see mountains. Up
in those mountains in a secluded cave is a magic wizard. Only he can
solve your problem. If you follow this path toward those mountains...it
will lead you to the magic wizard." And so, the toad embarked upon his
journey toward perfection.
A few hours later, a purple bunny was hopping through the
woods...feeling sorry for himself. He wished so deeply that he could be
grey...like all the other bunnies. Then suddenly...he came upon the
magic lamp. He rubbed it---and out popped the magic genie. "I will grant
you one free wish...what would you command me to do?" And the little
purple bunny didn't take long to make his decision. "I want you to make
me GREY...like all the other bunnies!"
"Very Well! Your wish is granted!" said the genie...and he waved
his hands, and POOF! The bunny turned grey. He was admiring his new
color , but when he looked down, he shrieked in terror...his penis was
still PURPLE!!
"But magic genie...what can I do about THIS!!??" exclaimed the poor
bunny as he pointed toward his purple penis. With that, the magic genie
said..."I'll tell you what you need to do..." and he pointed toward the
east along the path and said "There's a wizard out there, but to find
the wizard you have to Follow the Yellow pricked Toad!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#5
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from
the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and
as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could
drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and
aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so
happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants
and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has
something to do with hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth
Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she
reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the
shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in
this color. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this color."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that color! Maybe a cherry red one
would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at
the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One
of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the
disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the
woman's corn!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#6
Punsters deserve to be drawn and quoted.
--------------------------------------
What do you call three rabbits in a row, hopping backwards
simultaneously?
A receding hareline.
--------------------------------------
Show me where Stalin's buried and I'll show you a communist plot.
--------------------------------------
Show me a famous composer's liquor cabinet and I'll show you
Beethoven's Fifth.
--------------------------------------
Tibetian housewife upon entering her smoke-filled kitchen: "Oh, my
baking yak!"
--------------------------------------
Show me the first president's dentures, and I'll show you the
George Washington Bridge.
--------------------------------------
A man recently invented a knife that cuts four loaves of bread
simultaneously. He calls his invention
a four-loaf cleaver.
--------------------------------------
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
--------------------------------------
Modern philsophy: I'm pink; therefore, I'm Spam.
--------------------------------------
Two peanuts were walking in Central Park, one was assaulted.
--------------------------------------
As the great Jedi English teacher was quoted in saying, "metaphors
be with you."
--------------------------------------
If I hated my house and fell in love with my office building, would
that be an edifice complex?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#7
Two molecules are walking down the street and they run in to each other.
One says to the other, "Are you alright?"
"No I lost an electron!"
"Are you sure"
"I'm positive !"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wait, there's more !!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a
hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their
recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the
manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer."
2. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at
a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The
bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the
drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender
was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut
extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a
daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip
of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender,
"it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
3. A hungry African lion was roaming through the
jungle looking for something to eat. He came across
two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book
and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest
and writers cramp.
4. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope
that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
5. A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having
these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then
I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong
with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple.
You're two tents."
6. A man went to his dentist because he feels
something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines
him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you
six months ago is eroding. What have you been
eating?" The man replies, "all I can think of is that
about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and
put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise
sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything
--- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the
problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon
juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away
your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this
time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To
which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone
knows that there's no plate like chrome for the
Hollandaise!"
7. An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was
pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief
was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a
boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee
made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a
few days later, but the chief kept the details a
secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made
out of a hippopotamus hide. He challenged the tribe
to guess what had occurred. Many tried,
unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife
had given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it
out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The
value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies
over and the other one swims through - which one gets to the worm first?
The one who swam, of course, because "da oily boid gets da woim"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Fri Jan 17 15:05:40 1997
In a small southern town,
there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed
great skill and talent had gone into creating it.
One small feature bothered me.
The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the
counter about the helmets.
She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do
read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about
firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some
pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in
my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came
from afar.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
From topramen@garnet.berkeley.edu Tue Jan 28 12:10:21 1997
Status: R
The British military writes OFR's (Officer Fitness Reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marine fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope--always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since
then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in
a trap.
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From topramen@garnet.berkeley.edu Thu Jan 30 15:31:59 1997
Subject: DUI solution
In a message dated 97-01-29 13:32:45 EST, gmking@us.ibm.com writes:
Last night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar
for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At
closing time, he saw me stumble out of the bar, trip on the
curb, and try my keys on five different cars before I found mine.
Then, I sat in the front seat fumbling around with the keys for several
minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, I started my
engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for me. He stopped me, read me my
rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results
showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how
that could be. I then replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From margaret_hutz@email.award.com Mon Feb 3 14:36:16 1997
Subject: `You're a jerk!'
Status: R
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had
transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted
the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it
again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a
jerk!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk
drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then I'd yell,
'You're a jerk!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jerk.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice,
"Hello."
I made up a name. "Hi. This is Herman with the telephone company and
I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back
and said, "That's because you're a jerk!"
And the reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 722-4822.
Then an old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally
her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
stall. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull
out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black camaro come flying up the parking isle in
the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my
horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.
I thought to myself, this guy's a jerk, there's sure a lot of jerks in
this world. I noticed he had a For Sale sign in the back window of
his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place
to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 722-4822 and yelling, "You're a
jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on
speed dial). I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black
camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front.
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're a jerk!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I
added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two jerks to call. Then after several months of calling
the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like
an obligation. It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're a jerk!" But I didn't hang up.
The jerk said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah.."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
"Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's
parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jerk #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jerk!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!" And I
hung up.
Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big
gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing.
I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree
half a block from Jerk #2's house. There were two guys fighting out
front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter. The
police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.
A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty. I was picked
to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck
would have it, it happened to be the same two guys. I might have
influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they
said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, AND a couple of
jerks!"
From janos@netcom.com
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