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InterWeavers.
The average Ph.D. thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from one graveyard to another.
J. Frank Dobie, A Texan in England, 1945
Crazy? Some people think walking down the street muttering to yourself is crazy. I'll tell you what crazy is. Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantalope on your head, saying 'I'm a hampster, I'm a hampster'. Now that's crazy.
Agent WD-40, in Spy Hard
Sure I multitask. I read in the bathroom.
Ed
Statistics are used as a drunk uses lampposts--for support, not illumination.
anonymous
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
Anonymous
Bob Dole's library burned down. Both books were lost. And he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
Jack Kemp - before Dole nominated him as his running mate
(Note: an independent source attributes this to Gore Vidal, referring to Ronald Reagan during an NPR interview.)
"The information superhighway is a revolution that in years to come will
transcend newspapers, radio, and television as an information source.
Therefore, I think this is the time to put some restrictions on it."
U.S. Senator James Exon
Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a drip under pressure.
Darryl Wagoner
People are dying healthier now. (Overheard, at a diner)
Look under cap to play. No purchase necessary. (Wording on a Coke bottle label, promoting a game)
Complete possession is proved only by giving. All you are unable to give possesses you.
Andre Gide
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
Rich Kulawiel
Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for own good will torment us without end, for they do so with the approval of their own conscience.
C.S. Lewis, God in the Dock
Beer - Wine - Guns - Ammo - Picnic Supplies
sign at a roadside convenience store in south Texas -
By one estimate, the average American spends 1,600 hours a year either driving or earning the money to support a car, and drives an average of 6,000 miles a year. That works out to about 4 miles traveled per hour spent -- the equivalent of a normal walking pace.
Edward Tenner - Why Things Bite Back
"Why not?" "Yeah."
The last words of Timothy Leary, who dropped out due to cancer, at age 75.
It's easy to play any musical instrument; all you have to do is touch the right key at the right time and the instrument will play by itself.
Johann Sebastian Bach
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
Abbie Hoffman
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf."
Bob Hope
They riseth in the early morning,
They goeth forth full of hope,
Mighty are their prospects.
When the day is spent they returneth,
Smelling of strong drink-
And the truth is not in them.
-- a sign pinned to a wall of a Minnesota hunting lodge
"I mean, after all; you have to consider we're only made out of dust. That's admittedly not much to go on and we shouldn't forget that. But even considering, I mean it's sort of a bad beginning, we're not doing too badly. So I personally have faith that even in this lousy situation we're faced with we can make it. You get me?" - Leo Bulero/PKD
Tommy Sucks At Pinball and I Don't Care Who You Are
The handwritten titles of two recently discovered Keith Moon drum tracks.
"You go to heaven... God sneezes... What do you say ?"
Peter Houppermans
A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.
Max Weinrich
Trying to have sex at my age is like trying to play pool with a rope.
George Burns
Jeff correctly points out a major potential problem with [this policy]. At the risk of agreeing with him, I would like to comment.
"Dr. Fred"
Lawsuits follow money, and money has found the internet.
Who can sue whom, and for how much, is still being worked out.
Tim Kolar
Is time travel a thing of the past?
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Noelie Altito
The Cat's Diary
Day 751: My captors continue to torment me with bizarre dangling objects. They eat lavish meals in my presence while I am forced to subsist on dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of eventual escape -- that, and the satisfaction I get from occasionally ruining some piece of their furniture.
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow I may eat another.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
NeuroPsychology professor
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such thing as progress.
Ransom K. Ferm
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
John Owen
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to pound in the correct screw.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurtling down the highway.
Andrew Tannenbaum
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.
Dave Barry
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers -- and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls.
Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
6&nL#bi~8r
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs or how
tragic your defeats --- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Emo Phillips
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See"
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"
Quentin Crisp
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another.
Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am!
Monty Python
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
George Carlin
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.
John F. Kennedy
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Mark Twain
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.
In the August 1993 issue of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
An Animated Cartoon Theology:
1. People are animals.
2. The body is mortal and subject to incredible pain.
3. Life is antagonistic to the living.
4. The flesh can be sawed, crushed, frozen, stretched, burned, bombed, and plucked for music.
5. The dumb are abused by the smart and the smart destroyed by their own cunning.
6. The small are tortured by the large and the large destroyed by their own momentum.
7. We are able to walk on air, but only as long as our illusion supports us.
E. L. Doctorow "The Book of Daniel"
CALVIN: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
HOBBES: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs.
E. Grebenik
Old Yiddish proverb: "If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides."
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
Old Farmer's Almanac
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled.
Plutarch
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
Charlie Brown
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad.
Salvador Dali
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Mark Twain
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
Kermit the Frog
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears this is true.
James Branch Cabell
By the time you get to where ever whatever it was was, it's gone!
Laura Sloat (A coworker, attempting to understand seemingly inexplicable traffic clumps)
Christmas canceled. Joseph confessed.
Here at the frontier there are falling leaves.
Although my neighbors are all barbarians,
And you, you are a thousand miles away,
There are always two cups on my table.
from the T'ang Dynasty, A.D. 618-906
I speak only for myself and not the other voices in my head.
siggie, ibelooze@runet.edu
Speed does not kill. Stopping very quickly kills.
A pessimist is one who feels bad when he feels good for fear he'll feel worse when he feels better.
H. Allen Smith
Here's a little puzzle for the hypocrites to solve: Jesus born from Woman, not a man at all involved!
Bob Franke
When one person receives without working another must work without receiving.
I keep hearing tree talk water words and I keep knowing what they mean.
Lucille Clifton
The universe is made of stories, not atoms.
Muriel Rukeyser
Most of the things worth doing in the world have been declared impossible before they were done.
Louis Brandeis
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Housework: The work your house does not do when you are not home.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"GE's white-on-white catalogue offers a complete line of all-white appliances. Send for a full-color brochure."
Reader's Digest, November, 1995 p. 100
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw
He who hesitates to act on inside information is lost.
Timothy C. May
Sure, "things happen". But an awful lot of "things" can be avoided by simply not tailgating.
I wish to find where spirituality, politics, community and chocolate come together.
Gary D. Shapiro
....the First Amendment was designed to protect offensive speech, since governments never try to ban the other kind.
Mike Godwin
Hey! I like this channel!
Steven (who's 9 years old) watching a fire in a fireplace
When I go I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming, like the people in his plane.
S. Simone
Common sense must be the most universal of all commodities, because every man is convinced that he is possessed with an abundance of it.
Rene Descartes
A luxury, once enjoyed, quickly becomes a necessity.
Bill O'Neill
The difference between theory and practice is bigger in practice than theory.
Jay Ashworth
Guilt is a very peculiar emotion. As long as you are guilty about something you are not compelled to change it. Guilt is like a warm bath.... you can get used to it. But, in order to live without it, you must get past it. In order to get past it you must act. And, in order to act, you must be conscious. You must take great chances- and be responsible for the consequences.
James Baldwin
I don't need to take this abuse from you. I've got hundreds of people willing to abuse me.
Bill Murray - (from Ghostbusters)
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Horngren's Observation
There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.
Calvin
"To know that we know what we know, and that we don't know what we don't know, that is true knowledge".
Confucious
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Dean Martin
Hardware, n.: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs.
Oxford University Press, Edpress News
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
D. J. Hicks
Law of Probable Dispersion: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Todd Merrill
He advised all seekers to examine what each system asked of the potential initiate, keeping in mind three rules:
1. What you are required to believe is what the system cannot prove.
2. Anything that you are asked to keep secret is of more value to the teacher than to the student.
3. Any practice that is forbidden offers something that the system cannot successfully replace with an alternative.
The only measure of your words and your deeds will be the love you leave behind you when you're done.
Fred Small
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
We find in the rules laid down by the greatest English judges, who have been the brightest of mankind, [that] we are to look upon it as more beneficial that many guilty persons should escape unpunished than one innocent person should suffer. The reason is because it is of more importance to [the] community that innocence should be protected than it is that guilt should be punished, for guilt and crimes are so frequent in the world that all of them cannot be punished, and many times they happen in such a manner that it is not of much consequence to the public whether they are punished or not. But when innocence itself is brought to the bar and condemned, especially to die, the subject will exclaim, "It is immaterial to me whether I behave well or ill, for virtue itself is no security." And if such a sentiment as this should take place in the mind of the subject there would be an end to all security whatsoever.
John Adams' final argument in defense of the British soldiers accused of committing murders at the Boston Massacre.
"It breaks my heart to see those stars smashing perfectly good guitars.
John Hiatt
"From the point of view of a tapeworm, man was created by God to serve the appetite of the tapeworm."
Edward Abbey
I do three kinds of work: Good, Fast and Cheap. You may pick any TWO.
"The Pledge of Allegiance says '..with liberty and justice for all'. What part of 'all' don't you understand?"
Rep. Pat Schroeder (D) CO
The more you stare at a computer screen, the more you realize it only knows what you tell it. The more you stare at a television, the more you realize that you only know what it tells you.
Shirley Peters
"The national budget must be balanced. The public debt must be reduced; the arrogance of the authorities must be moderated and controlled. Payments to foreign governments must be reduced if the nation doesn't want to go bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance."
Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
Sometimes I wake up in the middle of my life and wonder: "What's going on here?"
If, in the last few years, you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.
Gelett Burgess
There once was a lady named Jude,
Who went to the beach to bathe nude.
Then a man came along,
and unless I am wrong,
You'd expect this last line to be rude.
Of all the people living in America today:
22 % Don't remember the American Bicentennial Celebration.
33 % Feel people have *always* been on the moon.
50 % Are too young to remember the assassination of JFK.
66 % Are not old enough to remember the Korean War.
70 % Don't remember "before TV".
85 % Are not old enough to remember the 1929 stock market crash.
Fred Newell
semper ubi, sub ubi --- always wear underwear.
To be or not to be, those are the parameters.
An egotist is someone who is always me-deep in conversation.