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Rudolf was a four-hooved ungulate Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer who incidentally possessed a nasal Had a very shiny nose. appendage of a maroon lustre. Consequently, if circumstances were And if you ever saw him to present themselves that he ever came into your view, you would most You would even say it glows. undoubtedly remark at its illuminary qualities. The multitude of other members of All of the other reindeer the population in his ecological community had previously teased, Used to laugh and call him names. chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms, the objective of which was to lower his self-confidence and make him unhappy. They also excluded him from partici- They never let poor Rudolph pation in leisure activities consistent with their species. Join in any reindeer games. However, on the twenty-fourth of December in an unspecified year, Then one foggy Christmas eve a mythological, supernatural being inherent to western culture (who symbolizes the Christmas attitudes and allegedly brings gifts to children) arrived through the Santa came to say, supersaturated, humid air. He formally invited Rudolph, due to "Rudolph with your nose so bright his extraordinary nasal character- istic, to stand at the forefront of his snow vehicle with the express Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?" purpose that he navigate through the mist. Therefore the multitude of other Then all the reindeer loved him members of the population in his ecological community who had pre- viously teased, chuckled boisterously, and dubbed him unspeakable pseudonyms reversed their disposition toward And they shouted out with glee, Rudolph to a more congenial, amicable relationship. They consequently exclaimed with great exaltation and fervor, "Rudolph, the antlered mammal with "Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer, a maroon nasal appendage, you shall most certainly be recorded in the "You'll go down in history!" annals of time and your memory will be preserved for posterity."
For starters, no known species of reindeer can fly. BUT, there are 300,000 species of living organismas yet to be clasified. While most of these are insects and germs, this does not completely rule out flying reindeer, which only Santa has ever seen.
Also, there are 2 billion children (persons under the age of 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (apear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, or Buddhist children, that reduces his workload to 15% of the total - 378 million children according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per houshold, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes that there is atleast one good child in each.
Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the rotation of the earth and different time zones, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. That is to say, for each Christian household with good children, Santa had 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh, and move on to the next house.
Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know is false, but we will accept for the purpose of our calculations), we are now talking about .78 miles per houshold, a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us do atleast once every 31 hours, plus feeding, etc. This means that Santa sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man made vehicle on earth , the Ulysses space probe, moves along at a pokey 27.4 miles per second. A conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" can pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we can not do the job with only eight, or even nine reindeer. We need 214,200 of them. This increases the total wieght, not counting Santa or the sleigh, to 353,430 tons. For comparison that is four times the weight of the QE2.
353,430 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance that will heat the reindeer up in the same fassion as a space craft re-entering the Earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION Joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short they will burts into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa will be subjected to forces 17,500 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems on the slim side) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,375,000 pounds of force.
Thank you for your attention. Have a very Merry Christmas!
From topramen@garnet.berkeley.edu Wed Dec 21 12:27:54 1994 >From disessa@SOE.Berkeley.Edu Wed Dec 21 12:14:06 1994
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.]
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels wtinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
From Karen@tribe.com Fri Dec 1 11:27:45 1995